Lars Wirzenius: Debian Inquirer, 2006


Thursday, September 21, 2006

Debian Inquirer: Debian Inquirer is a failure

The Debian Inquirer admits defeat. Reality can't be parodied.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Debian Inquirer: Debian and Diebold join forces

The Debian Project has chosen Diebold as its official preferred electronic voting provider. This move comes at an opportune moment since the project has several votes coming up.

"The double D partnership, as we like to call it, is going to change the shape of the Internet", says O. Fiend, the current Master of Voting of Debian. "We got tired of picking up paper ballots from all over the world, especially since flight security no longer allows locked steel containers handcuffed to the courier's wrist. Sea travel is so damn boring."

Diebold is the global leader in the electronic voting market segment. They will bring much needed experience and expertese to Debian's proceedings. "Yep, those guys didn't know anything about cheating until we showed up. Wait, I meant voting", adds the Diebold CEO.

Not everyone is happy, though. "Their stuff don't run onna m86k, dat's dumb, I wanna run it on my own-a box", claims Steve Vorlovski, one of the Debian Project's more prominent opposition members. "Stupid cabal, I hate them, hate, hate, hate." says another opposition member who prefers that we not reveal his identity, in fear of retaliation, so we'll just call him #808.

The project expects to use the Diebold machines as build daemons when a vote is not going on. "The Debian GNU/Windows port is really lacking in build daemons and porter machines right now", admits Lars Wirzenius. "We don't have any, in fact." The Debian Inquirer joins the crowd congratulating Debian on getting this defect fixed.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Debian Inquirer: A Royal Mess: Debian Fights Queen

Queen Elizabeth II and the Debian project threaten religious warfare!

D-Inq has today uncovered a conflict between the Debian Project and the queen of England and other places. The row is over the King James Version of the Bible.

"It's all mine! Mine! Mine!" the monarch told D-Inq in an exclusive interview. "Keep yer dirty fingers off it or I'll sick the SAS on you."

In the UK, the monarch owns the copyright for the KJV Bible, but the Debian project wishes to distribute it freely.

The SAS, UK's elite fighting force and the Queen's personal mob, is already gearing up. Instead of their usual arsenal of guns and bombs, they're opting to use a new kind of weapon, the DD Attitude Readjustment Tool, or DART.

The Debian Project is undaunted. "We've seen worse, this is a pedestrian transport in a big grassy place in comparison" says a Debian flame war veteran, Steve, 22, from Portland, Oregon. "The SAS is nothing compared to a vigorous discussion about firmware freeness. It's not even as bad as someone spoiling the next episode of B5."

Things might get more difficult, though. There are rumors that MI5 has already infiltrated Debian's discussion forums. Worried analysts imply that some of the recent, divisive developments within the project are the result of agent provocateurs.

"The new Python policy is one", says Lars W, an analyst who wishes to remain nameless. "No sensible person would have done things like that", he continues.

While both sides ramp up their fighting forces, local constabulary in many English towns has already started to confiscate and deport machines running Debian to Libya. Time will tell when they will return.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Debian Inquirer: List silence causes concern about evil Cabal plot

The Debian developers may have been pacified!

This is the startling conclusion of our resident traffic analyst, Lars W. The main Debian discussion forums have been almost completely silent for several days already.

The debian-devel mailing list has only had a handful of posts the past few days. The #debian-devel IRC channel is either silent, or has people asking if the list server is down.

Speculation for the uncharacteristic silence runs rampant. The current most likely theory is about a secret experiment by The Cabal to treat all Debian contributors Clockwork Orange style and are now unable to express their true feelings.

When asked to comment, the Debian Project Leader had this to say: "I have no comment to muck raking guttersnipes like yourself, show some respect for people trying to improve the world!"

The other main theory is that almost all contributors have finally gotten a life and are on vacation. Experts agree that this is not a likely scenario.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Debian Inquirer: Etch release delayed by one year

The release of Etch, the next full release of Debian, will be delayed by a year. Sources close to the release managers revealed the change in the release plan to the D-Inq. before it is announced publically.

The source, who calls himself (or is it herself? we're not telling) with the covert nickname "twin", told the D-Inq: "I'm, like, close to the are ems, y'know. I, like, live in Europe and listen to ABBA. Andreas calls himself ABBA on IRC, see."

The reason for the delay: the co-incidental occurence of two mystical omens. First, this year is Debian's thirteenth year, and thirteen is always a bad omen. Says twin: "It's, like, bad luck and all."

Second, the number of release critical bugs is now 666. "That's, like, the number of yeast, or something", reveals our source.

Apparantely the release managers could have dealt with either omen alone, but not with both of them at the same time.

Once again, D-Inq. has the scoop! And we verify the reliablity of our sources!

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Debian Inquirer: BTS almost out of bug numbers, sources reveal

Debian development expected to halt!

In a shocking revelation our reporter exposes a conspiracy to cover up the biggest risk to Debian development, ever!

#debian-devel, the secret hangout of Debian movers and shakers, today casually discussed the possibility of the Debian bug tracking system running out of new bug numbers. This was the first hint of the impeding doom.

When word leaked to our investigative reporter, he quickly dug into the case. Despite public protestations and secret threats, the truth was soon outed!

Debian users will soon be unable to report new bugs. The bug tracking system uses a limited, fixed size integer for doing calculations on bug numbers, and the project is soon reaching its limits.

With no new bugs to fix, Debian development can't continue.

"We're already at six digits, there's only three more to go", says Lars Wirzenius, the Inquirer's resident technological expert.

One wonders where the official annoucement is. Once again the Debian Inquirer delivers the scoop!

Debian Inquirer: First post!

Welcome to the Debian Inquirer!

This is the inaugural issue of the new, independent news outlet for Debian people. We are so independent that we don't even have a *.debian.* URL! We're here to give you the low-down of Debian's powers that be, to reveal scandals, to expose coverups, to boldly publish what no-one has dared publish before!

All with the best possible taste, of course. We're no sleazebags.

We're also not corporate shills, stiff-necked, stiff-upper-lipped boring spin doctors like some other Debian news sites we could mention, but won't, since we were brought up properly.

Starting now, you can come back here for your dose of real, uncensored Debian news.